Reflecting a lot on my experience in long-term relationships recently. I asked myself what the main insights and lessons are that I would pass on to my younger self (or my kids for that matter). Maybe you find some value in that, so that’s why I put it here. Obviously, I am not a relationship expert/coach. It’s just me looking back on 20+ years in long-term relationships.
So, without further ado, here we go.
1. Check the quality of „love“ in your relationship.
Attachment is not love, desire is not love. Interpersonal dynamics that are unhealthy for one or both sides are not love. Healthy love is empowering, not limiting or destructive. Be honest to yourself about what you see and what you feel. Ultimately, „to love“ is an activity. It’s the small things you do by choice and without expecting something in return that build trust, commonality, affection and intimacy. Love starts when being together stops being a fun only thing. It’s hard to love someone else, if you don’t love and respect yourself in the first place. Unconsciously, you are avoiding love from others and hurt those who care. Work on that, if it’s an issue.
2. Ask good questions regularly.
With time you might assume that you know your partner well enough. Challenge your assumptions and never stop being curious. Make it a habit to ask each other questions like „What is something that I do that you will never understand? Where do you see our relationship in five years? What did I use to do for you, but don’t now, that you wish I did? What does your ideal sex life look like?“, regularly (credit to @tombilyeu).
3. Communicate. Effectively.
Express more what you think and feel. Be clear, be honest, but also bear in mind the female nature: do not rationalize everything she says, sometimes it’s just the need to feel safe and loved. Getting into arguments is not a bad thing (if mutual respect is preserved). It is a moment of high intimacy. Some say you should not waste a good fight and redirect the energy into passionate s3x (and get that oxytocin flowing!). Passive aggressive behavior or sending mixed signals are not productive forms of communication.
4. Don’t make big decisions while emotionally challenged.
You might regret the consequences forever. Always put time between what you feel and what you do. Step back from the situation, breathe, choose silence, sleep over it. That obviously applies to life in general.
5. Respect and celebrate the polarity between masculine and feminine energy.
Help each other to be in his/her masculine or feminine energy. Masculine energy leads, rationalizes, protects. Feminine energy feels, nurtures, receives. Keep the polarity alive as it is the very source of attraction. For men: yes, showing emotions is totally ok. But never lose control. If you need to work with somebody on your vulnerabilities, do it with your best friend or a coach, not with your spouse or girlfriend. Losing control and being vulnerable is killing your attractiveness. It’s the way it is, I don’t make the rules.
6. Making you happy is YOUR job, not your partner’s.
Expecting a partner to be the source and creator of your happiness is a bad idea and does not work out in the long run if it’s the foundation of a relationship. If you are unhappy, understand what’s missing inside you and own it. Being content for yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can make your partner.
7. Take responsibility for your own healing
Deal with your traumas from childhood or past relationships and be aware, where and how they are impacting your relationship. Only you can heal yourself. Take responsibility. You can expect patience and support from your partner, but it’s typically a bad idea to force your partner into the role of your therapist. Seek outside help if necessary. Recommended reading: Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden, by Steffi Stahl.
8. Be a role model — if you have kids
Relationship skills are not something you are born with, or something you learn in school. Kids learn from good practices they absorb organically in the environment they grow up. Always be aware of this responsibility and act accordingly. This is one of the most precious gifts you can make your kids.
9. Know when it’s time to let go
Not all relationships are made for eternity (well, obviously) and not everything can be sorted out or is even worth fighting for. Never try to love someone harder who is not loving you back. It’s often hard to notice abusiveness when you’re part of the scene. Trust the vibes you get and seek validation from outside (friends, family). If you decide to let go, do it consequently and quick. There is something better waiting for you out there. You just won’t see it, as long as you are still attached.
Ok, that’s it. That’s my list. I am sure, you have your own list. What’s missing? I am genuinely curious about your thoughts.